10/23/20 - Gender

note: I wrote this in response to a Moment of Mindfulness prompt during rehearsals for 4.48 Psychosis, and had recently attended an Antiracism Training workshop, in which an exercise we participated in is referenced.

i am ...

but first i was a little girl

who wanted to be a princess when she grew up

i lived in skirts and dresses and tights

i loved being a little girl

until i realized what it meant to be a little girl

i used to say my favorite color was purple

i thought if i said it was pink it meant something different

i refused to be a dumb blonde

something weak

something fragile

something silly

then i was a teenage girl

and the world devours teenage girls

raise your hand if you know someone who has been sexually assaulted

i grew into the practicality of pants eventually

oh her?

she’s a Bitch

i was the one you wanted

i could be anything you wanted

as long as it was me

i flirted, flipping my yellow hair over my shoulder

you wanted me even if

i didn’t want you

a pastel autumn

my favorite color was pink again

and i could party harder than any of you

girl turned woman perceived by Everyone but herself

honing in on the importance of existence

but now my favorite color is

orange green lilac red yellow peach blue gray turquoise

and pink of course

i am weak and beautiful and interesting and strong and emotional

i am lover

i am artist

i am vulnerable

vulnerability is powerful

vulnerability is terrifying

radical candor and radical love

i am girl forever

but feel that i am

so much more

than

woman

i am all of every existence within