2/20/21 - my body

the only time i look at my body is when i take a shower

which isn’t happening as frequently as i would like it to

i think that’s how i didn’t notice when i

lost 20lbs within a month last fall

until my hip bone looked like it was about to

break through my flesh

i can’t lift things that are too big

or too confusing

i’m losing so much hair

i don’t know if it’s noticeable?

i don’t like having sole responsibility for the upkeep of myself

not when person after person

took their claim of me

i’ve kept off the weight and

everyone can’t stop asking questions

and running tests

pricking my veins

when did i become so damaged?

why am i such a broken mess of a person?

i don’t feel safe anywhere

anymore

and especially not in this body

this body, my body,

the one that bruises so easily

because i have a bleeding disorder

literally

but also like,

there’s the trauma, too

the things that have happened to this body

on nights where this body was not my own

the only part of my body that i usually watch are my own hands

but sometimes now they shake so bad

my hands are so lovely and the only part of my body

that i look at frequently —

out of both trust and distrust

they (my hands) are a translucent patchy pink

so clear that i swear you can see the white of the bones.

can definitely see the scab of some careless injury

that i won’t let heal

in the shower,

(after i have looked over my form in the mirror for new bones or bruises)

i shampoo, detangle, condition, scrub, shave

and my hands pull out tangles of yellow and auburn hair under the lukewarm water

and after, i ball up the lost locks and dispose of it

during my short journey to the brown plastic trash can besides our toilet

i wonder—

how can one human lose so much hair? ah!

and then quickly move on to the next part of my bathroom ritual

only to be repeated when it’s the next time

even i become so repulsed at the state i let my peach sack and golden mane deteriorate to grease and gloom

that i must wash and be confronted with my body

yet again